Earlier I talked about one’s need for being seen a certain way, which justifies your behavior. We all have these needs and many times they can run your life if you are not aware of them. If you are one of the people who has a need to be seen as nice or likable, you may be experiencing inner conflict and a life that goes unfulfilled. This need to be liked can also spark passive aggressive behavior – the way the subconscious leaks out what you really feel and believe.
The need to be nice or likable seems harmless at first glance doesn’t it? Everyone likes you. You get alone with anyone. You have lots of friends because you always say yes. You’re seen as not having problems or being able to always go with the flow. Sound good? Sure. If that is your true nature and there is no secondary gain then hallelujah.
The truth is, life doesn’t work that way. What comes alone with having to be seen as nice and likable is many times self-sacrifice. You put other's choices, wants and needs before your own. You say yes when you don’t want to. You invite in the ability to be taken advantage of. Your own personal needs and wants are overlooked and you are the one that is over tasked, over burdened and overwhelmed.
Some people may look at you as not having courage or being too soft when in fact, you may be courageous and ambitious. However, each time you have to choose between your personal goals and not being liked, you will slow down to a crawl to be seen as nice and likable. The anxiety that builds up when you think you are seen other than nice or likable is more powerful than the need to be right or to be your authentic self. You justify your actions to please others in order to dwell safely within your comfort zone of niceness. Then comes the inner conflict, the self-loathing or the blame you place on others for doing something wrong to you.
Imagine that you are a teacher, parent, or manager with a need to be seen as nice and likable. What kind of leadership is that? How effective are you in leading? Whomever you are leading will like you for sure. Yet they probably won’t respect you. At least not in the way you want. Not in the way that will help all involved be most effective.
When you allow others to step outside flimsy boundaries or disregard you, you are seen as accommodating, agreeable, and likable and so on. Yet inside you boil with rage and low self-worth. You may find yourself complaining, feeling sorry for yourself, feeling helpless, or even angry. You take your frustration out on others, talk behand the “perpetrator’s” back, take digs at them when you can and secretly hate them. If an unkind word of how you really feel leaks out, you immediately apologize.
The question here is what do you believe about yourself that causes this behavior? How you view others in a direct reflection of how you see yourself. You may not be the cause of the actions that others take yet you allow it to be present in your life. You allow in what you think you deserve.
Being nice seems like a way to get what you want right? If you are nice and likable, people will automatically respect you, think of your needs, be considerate of you, and put your first you may think. Unfortunately this isn’t always the case. Many times, people who are opposite of you will be attracted to you. You are their perfect match. They are looking for someone who will always say yes and put their needs first. They are looking for someone nice. Someone like you.
Now the biggest question. What do you believe about yourself that causes you to behave in this “need to be seen as” manner, which attracts others that see you the way you want, yet you still don’t feel good? Boy what a riddle.
In working with clients in hypnosis, life coaching and Radical forgiveness, I often find that these clients with the need to be see as nice and likable have core beliefs of its not safe to speak out, being alone, being abandoned, not being good enough or even being ugly and unlovable. What they believe about themselves causes them to feel anxiety or pressure or other unwanted feelings that they experienced from being rejected long in the past. To block those unwanted feelings that stem from the underlining beliefs, they behave in the “need to be seen as” mode. Their need to be seen as nice and likeable is their justification or their tool to constantly straighten out or fix their beliefs about themselves.
Here in lines the wonderful gift of hypnosis and life coaching. These life changing modalities help you understand what your beliefs are and how to change them. When you change your beliefs, you change your behavior. When you change your behavior, you change your life. The need to be seen as nice and likeable no longer has relevance. When you believe you have worth and this belief comes from within as a gift from God then no one or nothing can change that. You are nice because you just are. It becomes easier to say no and to put yourself first. You began to take care of your own needs while still considering others. You become a happier and more fulfilled person and begin to attract others that see you as you really are…worthy or love, respect and consideration. You give it and you expect it because you now believe you deserve it just as much as anyone else.
For more information or help with overcoming the need to be seen as nice and likable, contact me. I can help.
Dee Woolridge CIHt, CLC, RMT